Splash Gordon Approaching


Old World Underground
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@Gian @Panzerhund @Coltraine

by TimeBandit

One day a stork dropped me into a well in the town of Linkerston.
A buxom lady named Momma Gordon drew me up and decided I was her son. She named me Splash.
She fed me well and I became a strapping young lad.
Because of my origins which made me expendable, it was decided by the Gray CouncilI that I would slay the fearsome dragon. No one had even seen the dragon since I had come around but they still sent virgins out to be eaten on a regular basis.
So I said, "I gots this" and went to lop the dragon's head off. However, I was basically terrified and convinced this was my last day on the planet. But I had no choice.
It turned out the dragon was geriatric af.
In fact, when I arrived he offered me tea and crumpets and told me to act civilized.
He even offered me a loan with which I could establish a business and raise some children.
"You must pay for devouring all those virgins," I shouted, whacking the dragon on the nosey.
"Come on, I didn't devour no ones," said the dragon, rubbing his snout. "I traded the virgins with you guys'es enemies the Vinktusians for some gold, books, furniture and an excellent air conditioning system for my cave. It gets hot as balls in the summer here. Look my name is Ben and I'm your friend. What's your name?"
Eventually Ben realized I was not going to be easily satisfied so he agreed to a low interest loan and to get me a Vinktusian virgin for to wife and they were known to make excellent wives who really enjoyed polishing bathrooms.
It took a week and the bitch showed up. She was in excellent shape. Clearly her father kept her in a cage so she wouldn't overeat. Realizing she was ready to wife she was soon to bare me a son. I called him Quaztl.
I established a tentacle hacking business, for tentacles often grew out of the ground in those parts and were wont to latch onto things.
Then one day, a freaking dragon came out of the sky and set the Mayor's Mansion to flame.
'Gab nabbit," I said.
It was a new dragon. Since I was the only one with dragon experience it was decided by the Gray Council I had to go and dispatch this pesky lizard.
"Go Splash go," the Gray Council commanded.
"Yea yea," I said. "This dragon seems a firey brat. Hey I got a reference for a mansion builder you need one, btw."
So I went back to Ben the retired dragon and asked him what was up with this new dragon douche what set the Mayor's Mansion to flame.
"Oy, that's my son, Ruperto," said Ben. "He is a rascal. He thinks us dragons should go back to flaming people's home and demanding gold and virgins. He even nibbled on a virgin once before she kicked him in the nuts. Buy and sell, I told him. He wouldn't listen. Young, lame and full of flame as we say in the dragon circles."
"Well look, Ben, I'm a gonna have to lop off his head with this here sword..."
"Relax! Look have some crumpets. I just baked them."
"What about the Mayor's Mansion? Eh? Eh?"
"Yea yea. I'll have some of my Vinktusian connections rebuild it."
"Well, I need Ruperto to show he's sorry. You'll have to let me leash him and drag him through town in humiliation."
"OK, fine. I'll see what I can do. The Red Council will probably agree since we don't want no war with humans no more."
So Ben got Ruperto to agree to be dragged on a leash through Linkerston. I really played it up and smacked Ruperto around and called him a "scaly bitch", "BIC flicking fag" and "flappy arsonist" and such. Predictably all the young thots fell wildly in love with me and young men wanted to be me and I became the stuff of legend yada yada. My wife had to look the other way as basically half the children next year resembled me.
This was all fine and dandy except lots of resentment was starting to come my way. Like someone wrote nasty expletives on my silo one night and a wheel was missing from my wagon one morning.
Things got worse when the Vinktusians who had come to build a new Mayor's Mansion became pretty friendly with the Gray Council and it was decided they were officially no longer enemies.
Young Vinktusian men were showing up at the onion and broccoli dances. In their defense, our men were doing the same at their dances and most people were OK with it because of relaxed tensions.
However, some were not in particular. They pointed out that Vinktusians were not Linkerstons and we would all stop being Linkerstons if this socializing continued. The Gray Council declared "Good neighbors are our strength" but some people weren't having it and would scrawl "Filthy Vinks Stink!" , "No dink Vinks!" or "Linkerston for Linkerstonians" and such on the walls of the onion and broccoli hall bathroom. These haters got a nasty reputation and started to be blamed for goings on like when young Charmin the Vink was found bogged which set off a major feud.
As the Dragon Humiliator I was called upon by the Gray Council to set things to rights. So I organized a group called the Friends and Neighbors Cadre and preached the value of everybody getting along. However, deep inside, I basically saw the haters' points and really I felt like I wasn't a true Linkerstonian because a freaking stork dropped me out of the sky, come on. Basically, I started to see the whole thing as my fault because I had made a deal with Ben the Dragon and I was basically a fraud and not really the tough guy I was perceived to be.
However, I was really getting paid well and had high status. So "eff it" I figured. Plus the Vinktusians had been mxing with Linkerston's virgin due to their deal with the dragon and the Linkerston's stupidity so really what was the loss.
And I became rich and famous and knocked up lots of thots.
Then, for no reason I could ascertain, a butler ran up and punched me in the face.
Anyway, later I found out Ruperto was found with his throat slashed in the middle of town. War with dragons was declared. The Vinktusians blamed the Linkerstonians and vice versa. Dark times were upon us.
Moral: Watch out for the Butler. He kills dragons just because they're dragons.

next: The Butler's Story...
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Old World Underground
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Destructive Ceremonious Master
I like it.

It was a refreshing read.