🐁 🎀 𝓂𝒶𝓈𝓉𝑒𝓇 𝒸𝒽𝒾𝑒𝒻 🎀 🐁
Old World Underground
🐸 Citizen of the Internet 🐸
Well, it is condensed and also not even to the midpoint of the story, as I would envision it based on limited source material from the dream.The quality is defiantly there you just need to figure out how to scale it up to a full length story. It reads just like a high quality but extremely short condensed epic novel. It makes me want to start reading fiction again its that good. Even if you can't rework it to scale it up you should write a similar story with the same themes.
If we look at the classic structure chart:
The ending of the OP was between the first and second obstacles of act two, before the midpoint twist. Having now read this twice, I have a skeletal outline.
I would remove the surrealism from everything other than the setting, firstly. As both an aesthetic and a practical matter, the surrealist setting should contrast with rational actors and consistent in story rules. Various types of fantastical technologies contrasted with convoluted ideologies and inexplicable governmental systems are a part of the setting, and should be consistently surreal. However, surrealist character and event logic as a plot device is sloppy, especially if the characters ever take rational actions. "Rational actions" does not mean "acting rationally," but simply responding in a way that makes sense under their personal conditions. I think that mostly happens in the OP, but there are also a lot of things that appear to be happening for no reason, but this is largely due to the story being incomplete. A consistent pattern of deus ex machina which the narrative structure acknowledges as part of the reality of the setting itself is funny and intriguing enough that I don't think it is sloppy, necessarily.
Loving this writing workshop, by the way. I always used to feel that if I ever even had a discussion with someone about a work in progress, it was doomed. I feel much differently about this, and believe that it could well transform from a bizarre cinematic dream sequence that alludes to much larger themes into a structured examination of the themes. The characters of the irate and controlling retard, and the younger version of myself need to go through actual development before they begin tranformative arcs.